we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
