dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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