She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
