Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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