so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
