I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
