My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
