Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
