ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
