The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
