His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dignity is for republicans.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
