I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
