it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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