I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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