No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
