im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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