U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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