What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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