Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
