you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
