I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
