he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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