I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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