highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
