I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
