Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
