I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
