where am i from again
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
