if you like me you must not know who I am
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
