her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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