swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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