you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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