I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
