There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
