Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
