I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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