you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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