I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
