just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
