4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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