I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
