I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
