I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
