I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
