so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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