I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
