I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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