It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
