I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
