So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
