I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
