mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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