I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
