Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
