dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
