No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
