she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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