I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
