It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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