I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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