Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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