Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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