a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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