For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
